What to say and do during a tantrum
4 min read
Tantrum on the supermarket floor, everyone watching, and you about to blow. First things first: a tantrum is not your child «being bad». It is a normal stress response for their age, and at the peak the thinking part of their brain is offline. They cannot reason. Here is what you can do instead.
What lies underneath
Underneath a tantrum there is almost always a need your child cannot yet handle alone: something broke (an expectation, a plan, a «yes» they were counting on), their body filled with a huge emotion, and they do not yet have the tools to bring it down. Children do what they can with what they have. The tantrum is not an attack on you: it is a small, overwhelmed body asking for help the only way it knows.
What to DO in the moment
The key is co-regulation: you lend your calm before any explanation. Emotions are contagious, so the first job is not to catch fire yourself.
Regulate yourself first
Before anything, breathe. Drop your shoulders and your voice. If you blow up too, you are two overwhelmed bodies. Your calm is not a trick: it is literally what helps them bring theirs down.
Set the limit with an action, not a speech
A limit is something you do, not a lecture. If they are hitting or about to hurt themselves: «I will not let you hit», and you hold or gently move them. Fewer words, more safe action.
Stay with them without demanding calm
Stay close, at their level. Do not ask them to calm down «now» or to explain why. At the peak they cannot. Your calm presence is the message: I am here, I am not leaving, this will pass.
What to SAY (phrases for the moment)
Few words, low voice, validate before you propose. Some that work: · «You are really angry. You wanted that so much.» · «It is okay to feel this way. I will not let you get hurt.» · «I am here with you. When your body is ready, we will carry on.» Notice: none deny the emotion («it is not a big deal») or demand («stop crying»). You validate what they feel and set the limit on the behaviour, not the emotion. Feeling angry is not wrong; hurting has a limit.
What to AVOID
Some things, even if they come out on their own, add fuel to the fire: · Reasoning or lecturing at the peak: they cannot hear you, and it drags it out. · Minimising: «it is nothing», «it is not a big deal» tells them you do not get it. · Entering the power struggle: shouting louder, threatening, negotiating under pressure. · Punishments dressed up as «consequences»: if it is a punishment, it is a punishment. This is not about the tantrum vanishing instantly —it will not, and anyone promising that is not talking about child development—. It is about it coming down a little, with company. That is already learning.
Afterwards, from a calm place
Once it has passed and their body is calm, it is time to reconnect and, if needed, repair with a small, doable action (tidying up together, a hug). Never at the peak, never with humiliation. And later, through play, you can rehearse the tool: noticing where the body «thunders», breathing together. The skill is practised from calm, not in the storm.
Frequently asked questions
Should I ignore the tantrum so they do not «play me»?
A tantrum is not manipulation: it is a real overwhelm your child cannot yet handle. Ignoring them at the peak leaves them alone just when they need you most. Not giving an audience or negotiating under pressure is different; that is fine. But staying with them is not «giving in to a whim».
What if we are in public and I feel embarrassed?
It is one of the hardest situations. If you can, take them somewhere quieter and stay with them there —more to lower the stimulation than because of the stares. Your job is still the same: lend them calm. What others think does not change what your child needs.
Will this make them have fewer tantrums?
We cannot promise you that, and be wary of anyone who does. Tantrums are normal and expected, especially between 18 and 36 months. What this kind of support does build, over time, is your child learning to notice and bring down their emotions with help. It is a skill, not a switch.